Yes it’s hard, but learning how to set boundaries is crucial for your long-term health and happiness

Do you find yourself say ‘yes’ when deep down you mean ‘no?’ Do you find yourself wrestling with anger, resentment and exhaustion because you struggle to say no?

If so you’re not alone; many of us (I include myself in this) are so keen to make things easier and smoother for others that we forget our own needs along the way.  We hate to feel we’ve let anyone down. I’ve found this to be true for men and women.

What is a boundary?

Saying a clear “no thank you” to what drains you is just one example of how we can set healthy boundaries. Brené Brown describes a boundary as stating “what’s okay and what’s not okay” for you.

So far, so straightforward. Yet in 2025, where we are able to be contacted 24/7, I’m seeing a growing struggle in my clients to set and uphold healthy boundaries. This is particularly the case in the workplace when many people are being crushed by an expectation of always being contactable, denying them their much needed ‘switch-off’ time.

Expectations vs Agreements

The other day in a group exercise class, the PT running the session called me out in front of everyone else to add more weights to my bar when I didn’t want to. I said no. When another class member said he was bullying me, his response was “I’m doing my job aren’t I? I’m here to push you”.

This was a classic misunderstanding which led to him overstepping my boundary. He had an expectation that I wanted to be pushed when in fact I had never agreed to be pushed in that way.

This is a theme that comes up with my clients all the time. They feel angry, exhausted or resentful at the expectations being placed upon them. Their boundaries are constantly being violated.

Our job together is to work out how to create a new, healthier agreements in their relationships and establish what is okay and what is not okay.

For many of us, the thought of having “that conversation” leaves us feeling queasy and deeply uncomfortable. But why?

Why so many of us struggle with boundaries:

This is not a complete list, but here are the most common stories behind the struggle to say no:

1. Saying no makes me a selfish person.

2. If I say no that means I’m not “good” and less loveable.

3. I’m not worthy unless I’m doing something useful.

4. Saying no means I’ve let this beat me. I need to be stronger than that.

5. I’m responsible for other people’s feelings. I mustn’t disappoint anyone.

Having an awareness of the narratives that get in the way of boundary setting is the crucial first step in getting better at them. The next time you find yourself bound in one of these stories you can gently challenge them with “is that really true? According to whom?”

You can then go on to ask yourself: “What could I believe instead?”

Journal Prompts For Better Boundaries

1. In what areas of my life am I saying ‘yes’ when I really mean ‘no’?
2. How does my inability to say no impact my life?
3. What warning signs have I been ignoring that my boundaries have been crossed?
4. Which stories have been  driving my inability to say no?
5. What stories could I tell myself instead to support myself in saying no?
6. What would I love to say yes to more to experience more fun, connection, joy or fulfilment?

Remember: Boundaries are Kind

Brené Brown’s research shows that the people who are the most compassionate are those who have the strongest boundaries. Because they have been clear with those around them about “what’s okay and what’s not okay”, they are not having to continually manage the anger and resentment that bubbles up when our boundaries are cross.

This means people with strong boundaries have the extra bandwidth (that might have been used up with silently seething) to extend kindness, compassion and empathy to those in their families and communities.

When I’ve wrestled with guilt at saying ‘no’ to my Mum or kids I always come back to this principle. I value our relationship too much to be consumed by resentment, which is exactly what will happen if I keep saying ‘yes’ when I mean ‘no’.

How to feel calmer when setting boundaries

Many of us fail to create healthy boundaries because it somehow doesn’t feel safe to do so. Perhaps we fear the response of the other person, that they will respond negatively and our relationship will be under threat.

The more you can guide your mind and body to a state of feeling calm and safe during the exchange, the more likely you’ll be able to find the right words to say and feel able to follow through on your decision.

A tool many of my clients love to use is to imagine a protective shield surrounding them, which ensures they don’t take on the emotions of the other person and stay rooted in their calm, safe space.

If you want to try this, experiment by closing your eyes now and asking yourself:

If you could imagine a shield which would allow you to see and hear someone safely, but their words could somehow disappear or bounce off your shield as they come towards you, what would that look like?

If this person says something to you that you find rude, aggressive or hurtful, imagine their words either bouncing off your shield or somehow being destroyed so you don’t need to feel their impact.

You can get really creative with your shield of protection. I’ve had clients create transparent bubbles, rings of fire, an electric fence, a brick fortress – the possibilities are endless. Just allow your imagination create the shield that would feel safest for you.

What words do I use to set a boundary?

I always wish I could provide a magic formula for setting boundaries. I recommend planning the words you want to say before having a difficult conversation, as it will give you a sense of security and will help you stay away from emotive or knee-jerk language.

The closest I’ve come to a magic formula are the principles set out in Marshall Rosenberg’s brilliant book Non-Violent Communication: A Language of life. Here are a few of my favourite tips from that book (but please read it in full, it’s such a good investment):

1. Describe the behaviour you’ve noticed in as neutral terms as possible, with no judgemental language. For example “I’ve noticed over the last couple of weeks you’ve left your wet towel on the floor every time you’ve had a shower” vs “You’re such a lazy, inconsiderate slob the way you leave your towel on the floor”.
2. Take ownership of your emotions about the issue, starting with “I” rather than “you” e.g. “I feel frustrated and annoyed when you do that because having a tidy bathroom is important to me” vs “you’ve made me feel so angry”.
3. Make a clear, specific request or statement. This can be harder than it sounds, particularly if we’re feeling very emotional or stressed about the situation. Being clear and specific helps bring the conversation to a resolution more quickly. For example “I can only call you twice a week, on Tuesdays and Saturdays” will be more effective than “I need to cut down on the number of times I call you during the week“.

Finally, ‘let them’

There’s a good reason why Mel Robbins’ book “The Let Them Theory” has become hugely successful. It speaks powerfully of the human struggle behind letting  other people feel their feelings, opinions and reactions about what we do. Her book is a call to resist the urge to control and micro-manage other people and instead focus on the only thing we can control: ourselves.

You may not please people when you set your boundary. They may have all kinds of things they want to say about that and it may shine a light on their own insecurities or limitations. None of this is your responsibility (easier said than felt, I know).

This is where taking steps to ease anxiety or stress in the moment will help you hold your ground and keep you strongly grounded in what you rationally know to be right for you.

Finally, if you know your lack of boundaries and people-pleasing is causing you exhaustion, resentment and misery, please know that this is something you can change. I’d love to support you in feeling more energised, present and connected with others; all of which is possible with healthier boundaries.

If you’d like a no-obligation chat to find out more, you’re welcome to book in for your free clarity call here.