Wisdom from the Therapy room

Since 2015 I’ve had the privilege of sitting across from hundreds of people to explore together what needs to change for them to feel calmer, more confident, more balanced or at peace.

Each session, whether it’s been over zoom or in my room in Manchester, has completely unique. I never know how things will unfold. I’ve sat with people as they’ve shared some of their most painful, vulnerable experiences. Other sessions have been joyful, uplifting, full of laughter and excitement about what’s yet to come.

Each person arrives with their own unique assortment of memories, fears, blocks, dreams and hopes for the future. No two people experience ‘anxiety’ or ‘imposter syndrome’ in the exact same way. I’ve learned a lot about how unique we all are. And I’ve also learned about the common threads that seem to unite as human beings, regardless of job title, gender, sexuality, disability, class or ethnicity.

My mentor told me “we’re all fellow strugglers”. This is something I repeat often to my clients, because there’s a widespread, strange delusion that other people are doing it ‘right’ and we’re somehow doing it ‘wrong’. We are all united in that worry that we might be doing life incorrectly.

In honour of all the client wisdom I’ve accumulated over the years I wanted to share some of the nuggets that come up most frequently in the hope that they might reassure you and inspire you.

What’s listed here is based on my observations and the experiences of my clients, rather than a scientific study. Matters of the heart and mind often can’t be summed up by science and yet we often recognise the truth in them nonetheless.

On the process of Therapy

• Change is possible. I’ve had clients go from describing themselves as an “anxious person” to someone who is “quite carefree”. From believing “I’ll never be good enough” to “I know I’m good enough, just as I am”. Change like this feels miraculous or ‘unbelievable’ but it’s real – your life can really change.
• Change is also possible even if you think you’re too old or it’s too late. I’ve had some of the most wonderful sessions with clients in their 60s, some of whom who have gone on to forge new careers and directions. I had a 25 year old client once who was worried it was too late, so if that’s you, take heart.
• Change doesn’t need to take long. I need to be careful when I write this because of course, change can take a long time it just doesn’t need to. I had a client who had an intense phobia of public speaking for 20 years which resolved in 4 sessions. I had a client who developed general anxiety after starting a new job about 9 months ago and it’s taken 9 sessions for her to feel calmer again. Permanent change is more important than fast change.
• Change tends to happen at the rate that your a) unconscious mind feels safe enough for the change to occur and b) the extend to which your existing environment can support and accommodate that change.
• Almost every client I’ve worked with has felt very nervous in their first session. This is because change (even positive change) can feel threatening or overwhelming to the part of us that only wants to keep us safe.
• The sentence that a client blurts out as they leave the room on the third session with tears in their eyes is the thing they really wanted to work on. And it took a supreme amount of courage for them to name it.
• People change when they heal in therapy. Which means there can be unforeseen (usually liberating) consequences like leaving your partner or leaving your job or moving to Australia or sticking up for yourself to that friend you’ve always secretly hated. It enables you to do the things you didn’t dare to contemplate when you decisions were driven by a need to protect yourself or play small.
• The modality (e.g. hypnotherapy, EMDR, psychotherapy) is less important that the relationship you have with your therapist. Feeling comfortable, open and safe in their presence is the magic that’s going to allow you to embark on any therapeutic journey.
• Nobody is ‘broken’ and needs ‘fixing‘. The emotional patterns that keep us stuck are a result of having a perfectly functioning brain and nervous system that wants to keep us alive and safe.
• The best ideas for my client to move forward come from my client. They know what will work for them

On What Matters (And what leads us astray)

• Love wins. Loving people, animals and nature is one of our most profound human needs. Many of us don’t live as if love is the priority.
• Paradoxically many of us often seek love, belonging and validation from things that can’t love us: our phone, food, work, money, shopping, drugs and alcohol.
• The deep, often unconscious belief of “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not loved/loveable” leads to a life half-lived.
• Many of us are far more lonely that we would care to admit, including those people with hundreds of friends. Many people don’t like a lot of their friends but are too scared to end friendships or make the necessary steps to make new ones.
• The fear that we’ll be a ‘bad person’ or ‘selfish’ for doing what we want is a common dream-stealer.
• The route to self-abandonment is often paved with “I need to be the responsible one” or “I must be a good person”.
• The route to self-liberation is paved with knowing how to soothe yourself, comfort yourself, champion yourself and value yourself just as you would any other innocent human life that was brought into this world.
• Believing that you’ll ‘be happier when’ you have more money, kudos or a job title will keep you trapped.
• Those at the top of a company who are seen to have ‘made it’ as just as prone to imposter syndrome as those who are just starting out.
• The biggest lies perpetuated by imposter syndrome, anxiety and low confidence are: “I’m the only one who feels this way”. In reality, these are natural human emotions that we all feel from time to time.
• Doing new things and taking risks will always involve a degree of fear and doubt. That fear doesn’t necessarily need therapy; it needs to be a read as a signal that you’re trying something new and that you’re growing.

You’re not alone

I hope something in these words has touched you. Maybe you recognise some of these themes?

If you’re curious about working together then you are very welcome to book in for my free, 30 minute clarity call. You can ask me any questions and we can see if my approach would suit you.